PBP: Form, Shape

A post made by Del over at "Sex, Gods, and Rockstars" gave me the courage to write this post. It is about none of those things, but I'm seizing on the opportunity to write about something I'm unsure about, in the hopes that others can relate. Here we go.

Do you ever feel like you don't fit properly in your skin? Like you "should" have horns, a tail, wings, or some other appendage? I do, sometimes. And then one day about a week ago, I became annoyed that I couldn't change aspects of my appearance immediately, at will. It triggered a landslide of related thoughts that I decided I should write down and share.

For a brief time that day, I yearned to be something else that I wasn't. I haven't felt like that so strongly since the times I wanted to be one of Tolkien's Elves years ago. I wished I could present myself as seen from within, with all the quick-as-thought changes. Of course, I wouldn't want to bare the depths of my soul, just choose how to present myself to others.

Although the details shift, a few traits remain consistent:

• White hair. If not on my head, then on my legs or arms. Try as I might to change it, it always goes back.
• Claws at fingertips. Clear, like a human nails. Length varies with mood.
• A pair of horns, branches, or a hybrid of the two growing from my head. I've "seen" it as 4- to 6-point deer antlers, goat horns, and a tangle of moon-white branches. They only extend about a hand-span above my skull.
• Something extending from my shoulders/upper back. Not quite wings. Variously interpreted as energy flares/vents, trailing silver threads, and some kind of living, fin-like cloak.

A couple more traits come and go, or at least my awareness of them does: large deer-like ears, a forehead gem or 3rd eye mark/decoration thingy, and a tail. Specifically, a unicorn tail, the kind with long hair only on the end. Once, while on the bus, I felt it so strongly I "saw" it draped over the seat by my left knee, tapping gently. That was one of the weirder moments of the past few months.

Am I some kind of Otherkin? I've wondered, but I have no strong evidence. With the amalgamation of animal, plant, and human traits, it also resembles common depictions of the Fey...and I certainly don't want to make hasty assumptions about kinship with Them. These traits also just happen to be things I find aesthetically pleasing. Did my imagination craft these impressions based on what I like, or did the impressions draw me to similar depictions in art? I do not want to make assumptions. For now, I have no answer.

A Tarot Reading

A reading done for Dusken, put here because I don't trust Tumblr's formatting.

Dusken asked about "confirming some findings." The cards ("Shadowscapes Tarot" by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law) and I came up with this answer:

1. The core of the issue: XV The Devil. Someone or something is draining you, keeping you chained. Escape may be near, but you are unable to see it at this time. (Note the key in the mouth of the mask above the woman's cell.)

2. What helps or hinders: 5 of Wands. A bunch of little problems have tumbled together to become a huge issue. Probably what's keeping you enslaved in The Devil Card.

3. The Foundation, or why you asked: Queen of Wands. A rightfully proud, confident, and artistic woman. Can be manipulative, but if that were the case, I think the card would be reversed. I am never 100% sure if the royal cards refer to people or their traits, but I'm getting a "person" vibe. Reminds me a bit of you, or at least how you project yourself over the Internet.

4. What has happened: 6 of Cups. Whatever this issue is, there is nostalgia attached to it. Possibly something from your childhood? Unfortunately, everything can't go back to the way it once was.

5. What may happen, or is happening: 6 of Wands. From the book that came with the deck: "The Six of Wands symbolized victory and triumph. Once has prevailed and overcome many obstacles to come out on top. But you must beware falling prey to hubris and lassitude that uncontested victory may bring, and not become lost in self-importance."
     To be honest, I've never liked this card. The man in it is...overconfident. What secrets does the shining hero hide in his heart? I feel that how he stands above the Devil Card (and the poor woman under its hooves) is significant. Maybe this is a person who is keeping you locked up? Someone who thinks they are acting righteously? I may be totally wrong.

6. What will happen: 7 of Pentacles. This one marks a choice: act now, or wait for conditions to improve -- but they may not.

7. How you see yourself: 2 of Pentacles. You are juggling many responsibilities at once. You're doing okay, for the moment, but the situation is precarious.


8. How others see you: 4 of Cups. Listless, bored. But you are not as alone as you think you are...and that is a good thing to be reminded of, especially in the depths of melancholy and self-pity.

9. What you must get through: 8 of Wands (reversed). Upright, this card could mean the start of a long journey. So, reversed, I interpret this to mean you are being held back, expending yourself with no visible progress. Think of the 5 of Wands from earlier. But it seems you won't be stuck forever.


10. The End Result: Knight of Pentacles. Finally, moving ahead! (I hope this means you'll be able to move away from your awful parents soon!) The Knight is rather stubborn and single-minded, but those are beneficial traits for his mission.

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Hopefully that helps!

PBP: Deity

Personal, under-construction definition of deity: any incorporeal being that, through recognition (naming) and sustained attention from others, gains a measure of influence over the "real" world (one of many, in my view). Whether they existed before, or sprung from the first seeds of thought, I can't claim to know -- and the point is moot, anyway. They are around now. For those representing natural forces that existed before humans, perhaps they were there as raw spirit energy, and names gave them identity. Of course, I can only speculate on human gods. Other creatures would see things differently. Examples of animal mythos (as envisioned by humans, but it's the closest we'll get): Skywater by Melinda Popham and Watership Down by Richard Adams.

 This could have been an essay but I'm not sure what else to say. What are your thoughts?

PBP: Cyberization

(Screenshot from the film "Ghost in the Shell: Innocence")

I would like you to ponder the vehicle by which you are reading this. Not your eyes and brain, but your computer and the internet: electronic pulses through fine wires, and waves in the very air. (Note: I am not a computer scientist. This is my layman's understanding.) It is truly a web, spun by and for humans, but it operates outside of us, reliant on your device of choice and the systems behind it. Do you ever wonder what your computer thinks of the data it processes for you? Maybe not much, at present, but maybe 20 years from now...Well, I look forward to seeing what will happen.

How does this fit in with my spiritual practices? For one, I rely pretty heavily on the Internet for information and discussion. (I'm doing that now.) But beyond that -- I feel like I'm walking two paths at once, that of technophile, and that of the nature-lover (but hopefully not idealizer). On one hand, this separation from and meddling with the rest of the world worries me, and on the other, I'm fascinated by what new doors computer and the internet will open. Maybe I just read too much science fiction...

Grah, this post didn't turn out like it was supposed to. It was supposed to be lyrical and more insightful, but then my wrists started hurting, the screen tired out my eyes, and it became 5:00 p.m. on the duedate. Better luck next time, self.

Reblog: But We Have a Queer!

But We Have a Queer!

Quote: "This is one of the many issues that has been on my mind lately: the idea that you can ‘prove’ that there are not problems of heteronormativity, monosexism, and cisexism in the Pagan and polytheist communities because, “We have queers!” Any critical thought shows that for the poor argument it is, but I still see it time and again…and again…and again."

By Aine over at Patheos.com

No Pagan Blog Project post today. I didn't think about what to write about until two days ago, and then it was an important thing that I need to spend time on. Hopefully it will be worth the wait.

PBP: New Beginnings

This post is mudane, in the most literal sense of the word, but it is still important.

Earlier this week I applied to a Graphic Designer / Illustrator job that I actually qualified for. And to do this, I completed the portfolio that I had worked on fitfully for over three years. Doesn't sound like much? Well, I spent those years mired in self-doubt, depression, and insecurity about my skills. It was awful; I was pathetic. The job opening provided the impetus I needed to make the final push and finish the thing. Now I feel...cleaner, in my soul. I finally overcame my (largely self-imposed) restrictions. Hopefully this marks a new chapter in my life, one where I am not so afraid to do what I'm good at.