Friday, March 22, 2013

PBP: Form, Shape

A post made by Del over at "Sex, Gods, and Rockstars" gave me the courage to write this post. It is about none of those things, but I'm seizing on the opportunity to write about something I'm unsure about, in the hopes that others can relate. Here we go.

Do you ever feel like you don't fit properly in your skin? Like you "should" have horns, a tail, wings, or some other appendage? I do, sometimes. And then one day about a week ago, I became annoyed that I couldn't change aspects of my appearance immediately, at will. It triggered a landslide of related thoughts that I decided I should write down and share.

For a brief time that day, I yearned to be something else that I wasn't. I haven't felt like that so strongly since the times I wanted to be one of Tolkien's Elves years ago. I wished I could present myself as seen from within, with all the quick-as-thought changes. Of course, I wouldn't want to bare the depths of my soul, just choose how to present myself to others.

Although the details shift, a few traits remain consistent:
  • White hair. If not on my head, then on my legs or arms. Try as I might to change it, it always goes back.
  • Claws at fingertips. Clear, like a human nails. Length varies with mood.
  • A pair of horns, branches, or a hybrid of the two growing from my head. I've "seen" it as 4- to 6-point deer antlers, goat horns, and a tangle of moon-white branches. They only extend about a hand-span above my skull.
  • Something extending from my shoulders/upper back. Not quite wings. Variously interpreted as energy flares/vents, trailing silver threads, and some kind of living, fin-like cloak.
A couple more traits come and go, or at least my awareness of them does: large deer-like ears, a forehead gem or 3rd eye mark/decoration thingy, and a tail. Specifically, a unicorn tail, the kind with long hair only on the end. Once, while on the bus, I felt it so strongly I "saw" it draped over the seat by my left knee, tapping gently. That was one of the weirder moments of the past few months.

Am I some kind of Otherkin? I've wondered, but I have no strong evidence. With the amalgamation of animal, plant, and human traits, it also resembles common depictions of the Fey...and I certainly don't want to make hasty assumptions about kinship with Them. These traits also just happen to be things I find aesthetically pleasing. Did my imagination craft these impressions based on what I like, or did the impressions draw me to similar depictions in art? I do not want to make assumptions. For now, I have no answer.