Do you ever feel like you don't fit properly in your skin? Like you "should" have horns, a tail, wings, or some other appendage? I do, sometimes. And then one day about a week ago, I became annoyed that I couldn't change aspects of my appearance immediately, at will. It triggered a landslide of related thoughts that I decided I should write down and share.
For a brief time that day, I yearned to be something else that I wasn't. I haven't felt like that so strongly since the times I wanted to be one of Tolkien's Elves years ago. I wished I could present myself as seen from within, with all the quick-as-thought changes. Of course, I wouldn't want to bare the depths of my soul, just choose how to present myself to others.
Although the details shift, a few traits remain consistent:
- White hair. If not on my head, then on my legs or arms. Try as I might to change it, it always goes back.
- Claws at fingertips. Clear, like a human nails. Length varies with mood.
- A pair of horns, branches, or a hybrid of the two growing from my head. I've "seen" it as 4- to 6-point deer antlers, goat horns, and a tangle of moon-white branches. They only extend about a hand-span above my skull.
- Something extending from my shoulders/upper back. Not quite wings. Variously interpreted as energy flares/vents, trailing silver threads, and some kind of living, fin-like cloak.
Am I some kind of Otherkin? I've wondered, but I have no strong evidence. With the amalgamation of animal, plant, and human traits, it also resembles common depictions of the Fey...and I certainly don't want to make hasty assumptions about kinship with Them. These traits also just happen to be things I find aesthetically pleasing. Did my imagination craft these impressions based on what I like, or did the impressions draw me to similar depictions in art? I do not want to make assumptions. For now, I have no answer.